Woke up with diarrhea this morning, and morning prior. The about two days of fasting was a bit much for my body apparently.
Felt fucking terrible, lightheaded, left hip hurt, last night.
Have been talking with this sweet friend on the phone lately, and she has blessed me with food and so forth. I love her to death. She is going to pay for me to visit eventually and I will get a break from the constant BS here.
Well, we needed milk at the house in the afternoon so I went out and did it even though I limped a bit when walking. I did some stretching first and had some ganja then left. Didn’t feel too amazing then came back and started feeling like I was suffocating. Hard to breathe, lightheaded, with intense overstimulation kind of shit. When that was over Jack’s mom had some shit I needed to do for her so I did it and burned the fuck up much of the time doing it.
Night is here now thank Goddess. I will probably smoke more tonight since I have been smoking next to nothing lately (which is why I don’t understand the suffocation so much)…I took some of my weed oil for now..
PAW bullshit cannot sleep don’t want to take something to put me to sleep.
Tired of everything: the burning sun every day, taking care of others while feeling like shit, the constant PAW bullshit, having to take shit to feel better, having to smoke to feel better, tired of being awake, tired of being asleep, tired of eating.
Could use a break from existence for a while.
Either that or someone’s company who makes me feel like I actually want to exist for a while..
There is so much inbuilt rage to me, I feel like given the right circumstance I would just crack, and lose all seeming conscious awareness, now just some crazed beserker beast out to kill whatever is in the way, at the cost of my own life not being a concern to me whatsoever..
Maybe SOME people think life is just one big HUGE JOKE to make at the expense of anyone and everyones’ feelings. BUT I don’t think life is a big fucking joke, you can call me Mr. Party Pooper if you like it is fine. Either way I am not here to FUCK AROUND AND JOKE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES’ GENUINE FEELINGS LIKE A WICKED LITTLE BITCH.
In fact I will fucking wipe the smiles and laughter right off your fucking faces for not understanding where I am coming from, and respecting the fact that BULLYING is the last thing I need, cause all I need is HELP—assistance THROUGH HELL. Compassion. Love. Care.
You give me none of this, instead you just are a bitch, a heartless little fucking wench who does not give a fuck about my feelings.
Went to a friend’s place that I met through a friend. She had an outdoor pool. Bought some groceries then went over. Ate a meal then swam. Was freezing cold much of the time, forced myself to endure. Had a waterfall portion which I sat under away from everyone else’s eyesight and meditated holding the magnet in the left hand and the heart-shaped rose quartz in the other. At first shivering and shaking a bit but eventually stabilized. I have a strong connection to water so it was very intense. My whole body shook with the intensity. I felt like V in that one scene where he’s just standing there after all his agony, and still kicking ass.. Felt like my own awareness was drifting away from where I moved to and fro from the waterfall. I got out and dried off slowly then they put on music. “Don’t Stop Believing” came on.. Felt discomfortable much of the time there, even though smoked ganja. Ended up having to leave because I was getting yet more discomfort. Felt frustrated/ sad at how much this fucking post-acute withdrawal makes it impossible to relax. I did relax to some extent but as soon as I’d relaxed then on came the fucking PAW again. I left there almost in tears of frustration, wishing the bullshit would finally end..Came back turns out we’re out of milk…went & got that and went to a further-away store just so Jack could have the chocolate he wanted..Now the dog is making major bitching about needing something..I’m thinking water…after which I am not doing fucking jack shit for anyone or anything else so help me Jesus.
Stoned. Ate another piece of chocolate. Took shower a bit ago after busy day. Not over yet and here it is almost 1 AM. Gotta take Jack’s mom to ER, she’s been so moody lately cause she’s in so much pain. She finally broke down this night and is going to go to the ER.
Tomorrow I don’t get paid for any hours, and technically now yesterday I only get paid for two hours, fifteen minutes and I did a lot more than that.
As you can tell I’m doing this primarily cause it pays so well..Actually my hours got cut again recently. Now I only get 2 hours a day. I used to get 4 hours a day for half of the days of the timesheet or so..
I think I should’ve tweaked today because so far I’m a whiny bitch. Not without reason mind you. I’d rather save it for when the black widow is here and we can tweak on the spider web together…then she can eat me whole. :) Love can be deadly, i guess?!
But yeah burning the fuck up + discomfort is fun.
I think I’mma load a bowl then even though I was being a whiny bitch and saying I didn’t want to smoke..>.> Me want edible instead damnit.